September 2011
20 posts
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Escapism.
When I nothing else helped (criativity is gone, no energy to try anything), I just started sleeping. A lot. All the time. It’s the only way to shut my brain off.
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Rapid cycling is a bitch.
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Everything and everyone is triggering. Even...
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Reblog if you want an Anon's honest opinion of...
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Birthday... That time of the year
I have many things to do until the 22th and I can barely leave the bed.
In a week, it’s my birthday. I can’t tell you how much this time of the year kills me. This, and New Year’s. Because another year went by and I’m not better like I expected. Because I’m still alone. Birthdays are supposed to be happy, fun, full of friends… I have nothing. Just another empty...
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Update.
Since my last post, I: Stayed in bed for 26 hours, cried a lot many times a day, wanted do scream, said harsh things, had violent thoughts against myself and my ugly body. Went to the ER yesterday and they gave me Klonopin.
I’ll be honest in this blog. I’m not feeling better. After the ER I slept (even more) and woke up at 8 am. Then that feeling hit me again and I cried. Feels like a...
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I'm terrified to be myself. I've put on so many...
I don’t know who I am.
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...
My days have been really awful and, to be honest, I’m suicidal again. I get urges many times a day. I haven’t felt this bad in a very long time.
I feel like everything around me is moving too fast and I’m lost. I need it to stop. Soon. I can’t take it.
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I can't take it anymore. Make the pain stop or...
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Daily tasks and functioning.
I find it almost impossible to do anything. I have to drag myself out of bed and it’s hard to do anything, from simple things like brushing my hair to cleaning and organizing my room (which is a mess). I can’t focus as well, I can’t sit still and stay on the computer for half and hour straight. Then I feel tired and useless. I feel like I’m wasting time. When I have the...
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Anonymous asked: Just wanted to say I know what you're going through, I have to deal with the voices everyday as well, it's not easy, especially when they start telling you the most random fucked up shut and yOu just can't shut them out, anyway I just thought I'd let you know you aren't alone, and I'll always be here for you even if you don't know who I am, stay strong sweety...
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Go away, go away.
Sometimes I feel like my life is pretty much fucked. I ultra rapid cycle like crazy, I can’t leave the house anymore because I have social phobia, and I can’t look in the mirror and see my body anymore.
I can’t. And it haunts me, this thing called Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It won’t let me stop thinking about everything that’s ugly in me, it’s making my life...
Anonymous asked: i wish i could know you in real life. it would be good to have someone who understands.
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I'll never win this fight against myself.
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LET ME OUT OF THIS BODY.
I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I can’t stop crying. I’m pathetic. I wanna scream, cry, run away and cut. I cut when I feel like I deserve to hurt, I despise this body. But I’m already fighting to get rid of cuts I already have.
I can’t face myself. I can’t trust myself. I hate myself.
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Self-destructiveness
I have a voice (inside my mind) that drives me insane. It controls my thoughts, my mood, sometimes my actions. It’s the dark part of my mind. And it ruins everything. Besides being Bipolar, I have a extreme problem with my body and everything in it, and social phobia (I never leave the house, so I’m always alone). I don’t seem to get better, so there’s the chance.
...
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I'm not jealous of you. I'm jealous of how easy...
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August 2011
18 posts
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Tired, tired, tired.
When depressed, I sleep for about 11-14 hours and I hate it, I don’t like admitting it, it’s just another way to mental illness make me waste my life away.
When hypomanic, sometimes I don’t need sleep at all. Staying up all night (I can’t count how many times I’ve done that) or a nap is more than okay.
When depressed, I sleep so much and I wake up so tired. So tired...
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I don't want to be alone anymore.
When I was 11, the world shut me off. I got used to being alone, locked in my room. How could I miss something I never had in the first place?
Now I need to change this, I need, I need. I already wasted all my life alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore. Unfortunately it’s something that it’s not always up to me.
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I have no friends (no, really) but, despite my illness and flaws, I like to think I’d make a really good friend.
A bit protective, but I would honestly do anything to help you and protect you. I’d be mad when somebody hurt you, because I love you. And I would listen to you, for hours, always. Well, I did all of this before, especially the listening for hours part, and what I got back?...
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I should definitely work on expecting less from...
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I can't.
I get so fucking pissed with people and myself.
I can’t fucking drink and go out, stop talking about it! You don’t know it, but I’m on medication and take many pills. You don’t know it because you don’t wanna know. So I pretend to be stable and happy. Last time a “friend” insisted I should go out and drink while I said I couldn’t drink THREE TIMES....
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I'll also post pictures that I somewhat relate to...
I relate more to music and photography than people.
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Skin
I wanna tear my skin in pieces until it’s all gone. Have you ever felt this? Uncomfortable in my own skin, it’s all wrong, this body isn’t mine and I’ll be damned for all eternity because of it. Obviously the voice that hates me will judge me as well. It tells me to do it. Every time I see myself and I can’t accept it or recognize. Go on, let the blood flow. You...
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The last year I was alive.
I had my first depressive episode (or whatever you wanna call) at 11. I still think it’s not fair… people doubted me all my life (my fucking psychiatrist still does… story for another post), how can a kid be depressed? I never told anyone what I remember. I don’t remember much since I was 11, but I know I used to daydream about drowning in the sea. Same thing that I...
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It’s 1 am, I’m coming down from my high now. For a moment there I was actually hopeful, not scared and excited, besides agitated and saying things on impulse. The things I wanna do, that always seem so big and heavy, suddenly looked small.
I’m tired of rapid cycling though, I know I’ll get depressed very soon. The crisis I had last night was a bit surprising. Even I...
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First post
So. New blog. I’m really bad when I promise things to myself and keeping them, but I’ll try. I made this blog to document my recovery and follow other blogs about mental illness and related subjects.