When I nothing else helped (criativity is gone, no energy to try anything), I just started sleeping. A lot. All the time.
It’s the only way to shut my brain off.

(Source: fallingforhissmile, via thestoryofabipolarbear)

I have many things to do until the 22th and I can barely leave the bed.

In a week, it’s my birthday. I can’t tell you how much this time of the year kills me. This, and New Year’s.
Because another year went by and I’m not better like I expected. Because I’m still alone. Birthdays are supposed to be happy, fun, full of friends… I have nothing. Just another empty day, alone in my house. I wish I could sleep that day and wake up the day after.

It hurts.
I shouldn’t be dealing with all of this for so many years. I can’t even have a drink and be silly, for fuck’s sake.

Also, I wanna thank for all the messages I got. Very, very much.

Since my last post, I:
Stayed in bed for 26 hours, cried a lot many times a day, wanted do scream, said harsh things, had violent thoughts against myself and my ugly body. Went to the ER yesterday and they gave me Klonopin.

I’ll be honest in this blog. I’m not feeling better. After the ER I slept (even more) and woke up at 8 am. Then that feeling hit me again and I cried. Feels like a thousand bricks.
I’m still feeling self-destructive, I can’t drink because of my meds but I really want a bottle of anything and pass out.

I want the thoughts to go away.

I don’t know who I am.

(Source: blogsecret, via thestoryofabipolarbear)

My days have been really awful and, to be honest, I’m suicidal again. I get urges many times a day.
I haven’t felt this bad in a very long time.

I feel like everything around me is moving too fast and I’m lost.
I need it to stop. Soon. I can’t take it.